Autism: Demand avoidance in children and young people

Autism and a demand avoidance profile are 'dimensional', which means they affect people in different ways. A child may cope differently at different times and with different people. You may need a flexible toolkit of approaches that fits your child and is reviewed regularly.

Guides and downloads

For practical advice you can use at home, read Strategies for coping with demand avoidance (PDF).

For more help with underlying difficulties, anxiety and distressed behaviours, read Support tips for additional underlying difficulties, anxiety and distressed behaviours (PDF).

Adjusting your mindset

Try to look beyond what you can see on the surface. Behaviour is often the visible part of a much bigger picture.

A helpful starting point is to understand that a child with a demand avoidance profile may be driven by anxiety and a need to feel in control.

Helpful ways to respond include:

• building a more equal relationship based on collaboration and respect, which can help build trust
• staying calm, not taking things personally, accepting that some things cannot be done, and treating each day as a fresh start
• focusing on the long-term goal of helping your child cope, rather than expecting short-term compliance
• being flexible, creative and ready to adapt your approach
• focusing on your child’s strengths, positive qualities and interests
• making time for your own support and self-care, including speaking to other people with similar experiences

Creating the right environment

Children with a demand avoidance profile can thrive in the right environment.

Helpful approaches include:

• balancing tolerance and demands, because your child’s ability to cope may change from day to day or hour to hour
• adjusting the number and type of demands, and building in plenty of downtime so anxiety can reduce and tolerance can recover
• thinking carefully about timing, because it can make a big difference
• agreeing non-negotiable boundaries that work for your household and your child
• keeping those boundaries to the bare minimum when anxiety is very high, then increasing them over time if needed
• explaining the reasons for boundaries clearly and agreeing them together where possible
• allowing plenty of time, because time itself can feel like a demand
• planning ahead, anticipating possible challenges and keeping some flexibility for changes in anxiety levels
• agreeing an exit strategy, so your child knows how to leave a situation and where they can go to feel safe