Autism: Demand avoidance in children and young people

This page explains how to support a person with demand avoidance. It focuses on reducing anxiety, building trust, and creating the right environment so the person can cope and thrive.

Key ways to support the person

Support works best when you focus on the person, not only the behaviour.

• See the person, explore their interests, and engage in a positive way
• Create an environment that helps the person thrive
• Use indirect wording for requests, or allow silence, as this can help the person complete tasks
• Do not use sanctions, consequences, or rewards, as these do not work and can make things worse
• Give some control and choice, and allow negotiation
• Allow extra processing time, as this can take longer than expected
• Build fairness and trust, and if things change, be clear and honest about why
• Use collaboration, flexibility, variety, and humour

Understanding avoidance

Avoidance is not a choice. A person with demand avoidance may not be able to comply with requests, instructions, or even their own wishes. Everyday tasks can be a real struggle.

Not feeling in control can create extreme anxiety, even if it does not look that way. The person may ignore you, distract you, or seem angry. If they feel pushed, this can trigger a sudden freeze, flight, or fight response.

You can support them by:

• thinking of demand avoidance as permanent demand anxiety
• making requests and communication indirect
• doing things together where possible
• monitoring important areas to help avoid health problems, for example dehydration

Mood and distressed behaviour

Demand avoidance can cause quick changes in mood. The person may feel excited and energetic, then lethargic and low, in a short space of time.

Distressed behaviour can happen quickly when the person feels overwhelmed and has gone beyond what they can cope with. This can include meltdowns, shutdowns, running away, physical or verbal aggression, or self-injury. They may not know what triggered it. They may also be unable to communicate during a crisis or remember what they did or said afterwards. They may feel guilty later.

When this happens:

• expect mood fluctuations
• keep checking how much demand the person can tolerate, and adjust demands to match
• treat distressed behaviour as you would a panic attack
• keep your voice calm and your body language quiet and non-threatening
• support the person through distressed behaviour, as they may not be able to process language or tolerate touch at that time
• move on quickly afterwards, while giving reassurance and time to recover

Routines and planning

Some routine can help, but the person also needs flexibility and a sense of control.

If something is going to change in their environment or in the way things are done, give warning in advance. It can also help to negotiate some of the details.

Helpful approaches include:

• accepting that some things cannot be done
• offering choices about how things are done
• thinking ahead, being proactive, and preventing problems where possible
• being flexible with both time and approach

Sensory differences

The person may have sensory differences, such as sensitivity to light, touch, textures, smells, or food. They may also have difficulty with movement, balance, or understanding signals from their body. If these needs are not addressed every day, they may feel very dysregulated.

It helps to:

• understand how sensory differences may affect behaviour
• assess sensory needs if this has not already been done
• find ways to support a sensory diet in a way that is friendly to demand avoidance

Activities and interests

Special interests can help build trust. If you genuinely engage with the person in the things they care about, they may begin to like and trust you. If they trust you to keep them safe, they may be able to do more activities.

You can help by:

• asking what they like to do and engaging with them genuinely
• researching what is available and making a short list to discuss together
• giving some notice before trips or activities, but not too much

A trip or activity can itself become a demand. Be flexible, and if it does not work out, try again another day.